FROM: Dances with Spoons
DATE: 21 July, 2005
RE: Today's Events
While I appreciate your efforts to keep us on our toes, I believe that today's use of excessive force was downright nasty.
I don't mean to be disrespectful, but you could do better by spreading the chaos out over the course of several hours instead of scooping it out like a giant blob of salmonella-infested macaroni salad at a church picnic.
- Hiding my keys in my gym bag. What did I do to deserve that? I was running around looking for them for 10 minutes! I didn't put them there, did I? I don't appreciate you talking to the cats behind my back.
- 2 women who had a fender-bender on 93 southbound in the center lane. I went to yell at them but my brain would not engage and I could not muster the power to yell "PULL OVER TO THE SHOULDER YOU IDIOTS!!". It's not like any of them were "hurt" and there was no visible damage to either of their vehicles. The only damage was to my patience when dealing with getting AROUND them (and the rubbernecking - nice touch there). They were just standing there, staring at their cars, and contemplating the beauty of all the traffic coming to a crawl just to see if there are any gaping headwounds to be seen. The sheeple love to see accidents with injuries.
- London. Seriously, couldn't you be a bit more creative?
- Car vs. Car vs. center wall on Masspike westbound. Police. People standing around scratching their heads. More rubernecking.
- Car vs. Car part deux - just a few hundred feet from the previous incident. It's my belief that you orchestrated an unscheduled alien visitation this morning which caused this multi-vehicle accident. I'll bet you also had a hand in the "rollover on the masspike near 128" which caused the po-leece to close the road for a short time. How do people roll their cars over anyway? I mean, they must be focusing on something other than the road. See what happens when you give the monkeys cell phones and in-dash mp3 players?
- The impatient and the insane - both need technical support this morning.
Again, no disrespect intended but you will need to send more drugs/chocolate/coffee if you intend for us to continue in your service.