Aug. 4th, 2006 04:33 pm
nyteowl: (chicken)
Strange strange dreams as of late.
Last night there were images of an ex-boyfriend of mine who was really a sort of hybrid of ex-boyfriends and his current wife who is also a hybrid of the women who ended up with ex's of mine.
They had a baby, but the baby wasn't in the entire dream.
I've been seeing quite a few babies in dreams lately - Last weekend I had a dream about my sister and my new niece.
Anyway, another strange image from this dream was receiving in the mail an old Christmas card (I mean old, like it was sitting in someone's attic for 50 years), with a message written in faded ink.. something to the effect of I would rather be with you...
It was not signed.
Half the dream was spent trying to avoid seeing this ex boyfriend, his wife, and their baby and the other half was trying to figure out who sent me the card.

It's that time of year where the veil between the worlds thins a bit in my mind and my psychic shields are down a bit. Lots of memories and lots of background (mental) data processing.

I'm trying to workout a trip to Chicago to see my family - my sis is planning on (last I heard) holding Elyse's Christening over labor day weekend. My brother has offered to give me frequent flyer miles to pay for the airfare. As always, I feel conflicted because there always seems to be this swirling cloud of crap when it comes to my mom. Marcy (my sis) says that mom is still fairly insufferable, and even my brother has told mom to step off because of (alleged) incidents where she was aggrivating my sister-in-law.

I worry about my sister. She's got 2 little kids, is going back to work full time, and now seems to have taken on role of my father's keeper (because my father as always, seems fairly incapable of taking decent care of himself).

With all that, I still contemplate moving back to the Chicago area. Not sure when, if ever, but I would love to convince Rich to give it a try with me. There's so much about Chicago that I miss, and it's not even the family. Cost of living is still cheaper. Social "culture" - midwest people are still "my" people. I don't have many friends there, but I do have a couple. I know that the Chicago area has at least one active aquarium club as well.

No matter what, I don't see us staying in Boston forever.
The cost of housing to income ratio here is just obnoxious, and I know we could do so much better someplace else where the cost of living isn't as harsh. Rich wants to go back to CT, but the cost of living isn't much better there than it is here, and I told him I'm not moving and/or giving up my job for something that would be a step down from what I'm already doing.
Struggling in CT is still struggling.

The worst part in all this is that his sister and niece/nephew are in CT and he does not want to leave them - so again - not something that will happen overnight.

This past month for us has been really rough since he has been only working part time (summer school is less hours for him, and we've both had to come up with a bit of cash here and there for random crap we've had to take care of with our cars, etc.). I hate being broke, but at least he'll have more hours again starting at the end of the month.

Last, but not least, I have 2 new televisual guilty pleasures - at least until the new fall season of the various CSI shows I like.

Hex and WWE
Both are soap operas.
One is cheezy and gothic.
The other is often goofy, and chock full of cartoony violence.

Hex is decidedly NOT the British Buffy.
It's not clever enough.
It's cheesetastic, a bit sluggish, but oddly tasty - like a spicy chicken sandwich dripping with spicy chipoltle mayonaise. Since "season 1" is over, I need to go download the rest of the shows since I really don't want to wait a year to see the rest of it.

WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) is "Raw", "ECW", and "SmackDown".
A bunch of big goofy looking jocks in spandex throwing each other around and talking shit about one another.

There is absolutely no socially redeeming or intellectual value to either choice, but with the WWE stuff at least we find shows we both like that we can share a laugh on.

Still crazy after all these years.

p.s. to [livejournal.com profile] seamusd (I did get your voicemail msg) and [livejournal.com profile] ragdoll.... I have a bunch of random weird musical visual stuff you both might enjoy. When I'm out from under I would like to ship either of you some DVD's/CD's - better quality than youtube. time time time time
nyteowl: (fishy)
I just realized something, again.
I'm beginning to understand that every time I start to feel homesick, to get this longing to go to Chicago to visit my family for some holiday or special event, that it's really just like reaching out for a phantom limb.
A leg, an arm, a finger, that was amputated a long time ago.
Once in a while that empty space tingles or itches and I reach for it, as if my tongue were probing my mouth for a missing tooth.
It feels weird to not have a close relationship with my biological family but I've been without one for so long I should be used to it by now.
I am reminded that it's not really normal for family members to never come visit.
I've lived on the east coast for almost 10 years now and only ONCE did my sister and her then-fiance (now husband) come out to visit me (in 1997 when I was living in DC).
I live 900 miles away, dammit!! Not 9000!!
Not once has my father come visit.
My mother has done nothing but complain about how much she misses me and how I need to "move back to Illinois where I belong"
My brother and his wife are busy raising their kids.
My sister at least tries to keep in touch... and I don't put her in the same bucket because she sends me pictures of my nephew, and writes me letters.

Today this whole setup has made me just a little angry.

I'm angry that for the 2 years I had the condo in Salem, not ONE member of my family could be bothered to come see it, or me.

I'm disappointed that nobody in my family is anywhere remotely in the 21st century with regards to being online (my father uses his 10 year old computer as a paperweight... I've never seen him use it). My sister uses email from work, but for some reason never turns on the computer at home.

I'm sad that after all these years, I still feel that longing for something resembling a so-called normal biological family. Is it unreasonable of me to think my family should make an effort to come and see ME once? Am I such a horrible, spiteful kid that I expect them to make more of an effort (and why does it always have to be me going to see them?).

It feels so Freudian to whinge about how my father continues to let me down, and how that very simple thing has impacted so many of my (bad) choices about men.
all I ever wanted was for them to love me

This time of year is always a pain in the ass because of all the bullshit media blips that tell Us that We Are Not Normal unless we have a house full of relatives to celebrate Holidays with.

Oh joy! It's the holidays again! Time to go spend that obligatory set of days with people that push our buttons and make us feel like helpless adolescents all over again! If we don't then we are a bunch of disrespectful ungrateful heathens !

As usual I am torn between my happier memories of holidays spent with relatives vs. the insufferable holidays...
  • where my mother languished in some deep depression

  • my siblings were attacking me (or we were all attacking each other)

  • some faction of the family wasn't speaking to some other faction

  • my alcoholic grandfather was still alive and we all waited in fear for the phone to ring (and mom to run and hide)

  • my parents were at each others throats

  • the days where I really was an angst filled adolescent locked in mortal combat with my self-esteem

  • some beloved family member was so sick that you knew it would be the last Christmas you spent with them.

What I really DO cherish at this time of year are those memories that are not necessarily attached to my own family, but to families who have adopted me over the years (I've had better holidays spent with various boyfriends' families than my own over the past 15 years or so).

I've also had better holidays spent with just my close friends.

I'm really looking forward to getting to spend this Christmas with Rich and perhaps even having fun at his sister's place on Christmas Eve (he has the most adorable niece and nephew) - and the best part is that it doesn't involve flying to someplace colder than here and worrying about getting someone to care for my dog, cats, and fish while I'm away.

I still feel that tugging to to "go home" for Christmas, but I know it's always going to be the same old crap. The same boring evenings spent making tedious conversation, trying to cram a year's worth of communication into a few days. Avoiding confrontation or creating a "scene". Painting on a smile, pouring another glass of wine, and plopping myself down in front of the television.

Disclaimer: I do like getting to spend some time with my sister (my brother-in-law, and nephew), and the brief conversations with my dad which don't make me want to run screaming.

But many of these interactions seem to lose their meaningfulness as the years go by, and the fact that I am seeing this now is probably the saddest part of all.


nyteowl: (Default)

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